Silence
by Scutellaria Laterifolia
Summary: Laguna is entering a state of depression. Will he come out alive, or will he kill himself only to find his wife again? Rated for language and themes.
1. The Silence Comes

Silence Prologue  
  
Silence. I just want to die. Maybe I should, given the father I've been, the friend I've been. the husband I've been. I'm too hard on myself, but it's hard not to be. There are so many things I should be guilty about.  
  
Firstly, the friend I've been. When I was stranded in Winhill, did I look for Kiros and Ward after I'd recovered? No. Yet they still like me, or something close to liking. Kiros helps me run the country and Ward helps Kiros. I've distanced myself from them, lapsing again into silence. A silence I haven't been in for years, due to the depression it brings.  
  
Secondly, the father I've been. I never met Squall until a while ago. I never even knew he existed. He looks so much like Raine. I need only look into his eyes to know it. But he's cold. If I had have been there, would Raine have survived? Would he have grown up happy? I should've looked for him. I shouldn't have become president.  
  
Of course it all comes down to her. She was the one that made it all happen. She is the one that never leaves me alone. Raine. I cry every time the natural occurrence happens, because I love her. If she were still here, I wouldn't have to distance myself from my friends, I would know my son and I'd still have her by me at night. That's when I'm most alone, because she's not there, curled up next to me. All that's left is silence.  
  
Silence.  
  
Maybe I should kill myself. No friends, no family. maybe I'll see her. I hope so. She's my life now, which doesn't matter. I shouldn't have a life. But what should I have? Sometimes I know. I should have what these nights give me, these nights that seem eternal and cold. Maybe I should have.  
  
Silence.  
  
But forever? Forever is a long time. Everyone knows that. But is it? That's all I want now. That's all I need.  
  
Blissful Silence.  
  
Author's Note: This story might end up depressing. I'm a big Laguna Lover, so it pains me too, *sob*, but it might have to happen. Boohoooooooo!!! 


	2. A Hun's Mourning

Silence, Chapter 1  
  
I looked up through half-closed eyelids to the face above mine. My heart jumped a beat when I saw the familiar face. I had to keep myself from gasping out her name, because I knew it was just Squall. Deep down, I knew.  
  
"What?" I asked. I sounded too harsh. Be happy Laguna! I reminded myself. "Yes?" I tried again, my tone slightly groggy.  
  
"Breakfast." Squall said. I nodded as he left. My head pounded from forgotten dreams. I climbed out of my bed and began getting ready. I put everything on, but paused staring at my bureau drawer. My wedding ring in lay there, untouched. When I opened the drawer I saw the silver band winking in the sunlight of my window. I suddenly reached for it and closed it into my hand.  
  
"I'll love you always and beyond." I said to it, putting on. The band felt strange to my hand; I hadn't worn it in years. I smiled. I remembered the ring's mate, curled around Raine's finger, underneath the earth. The sob escaped before I bid it to, and I was late for breakfast. "Control, Laguna. Control." I muttered. I had tied my hair back, but then undid the cord that tied it.  
  
"Your hair is beautiful. Wear it down whenever you're around me okay?"  
  
"Only if you do the same."  
  
"I don't know about that. . ."  
  
I jolted myself back to reality. A three second conversation we'd had before bed wasn't too relevant now. Besides, I'd join her soon. Maybe if I puck up smoking again it'll come quicker.  
  
I walked slowly down to the breakfast room. All of the SeeD's from Ultimecia's were there: Selphie, Zell, Quistis, Irvine, Rinoa and Squall. They were already eating again. I'd been late for breakfast for a long time now. I was usually awake by five, breakfast began at eight, but after pacing and ranting and convincing myself for the umpteenth time that suicide was NOT a good idea. But sometimes it seemed it was. . . I turned the thoughts off. Just eat. I sat at the head of the table and began eating. My jaw worked mechanically and I turned my mind off.  
  
"Laguna. Laguna? Laguna!" Kiros' voice brought me out of the trance. "You okay?" I nodded. "Because you just spilled orange juice down your front and barely flinched." I looked down. Well, look at that! There was orange juice all over the white shirt I was wearing. The SeeD's were giggling.  
  
"Oh." I said. "I'll go change." I excused myself and went back to my room. My old machine gun was mounted on the wall, one shot and I'd be out. I shook the thought off. What if the shot wasn't clean? I wouldn't be dead and everybody would be asking questions. I took of the shirt and slipped another one on. I didn't bother going back to breakfast. Papers had to be signed.  
  
I had been signing papers for nearly an hour when Quistis poked her head in my office. I arched an eyebrow at her as she let herself in and sat down in one of the chairs in front of my desk. She didn't say anything and just toyed with her hair. I put the papers down and gave her a 'what-the-hell- are-you-doing-here' look.  
  
"President Loire," She said. "I was wondering if you could take a request."  
  
"I'll see what I can do," I said. If Garden needed money, I was more than willing. The least I could do.  
  
"Good!" She said. She darted around the desk and suddenly she locked her mouth on mine. I 'mmphed!' into her, attempting to push her back, but she held fast. She didn't seem to realize both sides were unwilling and I was nearly twice her age and. . .  
  
"Stop! Raine," I said. She stopped. Quistis looked at me quizzically. "I can't. Do you realize I'm Squall's father? Do you realize I'm twice your age? Do you realize," I choked on the tears. "I'm married." I whispered.  
  
Quistis looked really hurt. "I've never been rejected before!" She yelled and left. I put my head on my desk and sighed. Pulling a book out of my desk, I began to read. It was an old book, one of Raine's history books. It was about the Huns, and according to the book they mourned in a different way.  
  
Interested, I read on. Maybe I could do it! It described how, when someone died, the Huns would slash their wrists to make the blood flow. The blood signified tears, and it was considered stronger for the dead souls loved blood. Why not? If it hurt me or killed me, who cares? I went to the bathroom and stood over the sink. I produced a Swiss army knife from the cabinet and held it just above my wrist. I lowered the blade slowly and put it to my skin. I applied some pressure and I felt the skin break. More. I put more pressure and a drop of blood appeared. Deeper! I pressed harder until a large drop appeared. Satisfied, I kept the same amount of pressure and drew the knife along my arm, deep enough to scar, light enough not to affect life. I watched, fascinated at the blood poured into the sink.  
  
"What the HELL are you doing?" I dropped the knife at the sound of Kiros' voice. He rushed in and began rummaging through the cabinet, finally producing a yard of bandages. He began wrapping my arm while I stood, inanimate as a statue. "What were you thinking?" Kiros asked.  
  
"None of your fucking business!" I yelled. I mentally slapped myself. I'd never been so hostile around, well, anyone. "Sorry." I said quickly, turning away.  
  
"What's wrong, man?" Kiros asked. "You're never this," He paused, searching for the right word. "You're never this hostile."  
  
"No, but I am now. I don't want to talk about it. Just go. Okay? You can go now." I said.  
  
"Why'd you cut your wrist?"  
  
"Mourning."  
  
"Mourning?"  
  
"Yes, mourning. I have another arm to do." Kiros watched, dumbfounded as I cut another red line up the other arm. I waited a few moments, and then began a prayer. "Raine, please forgive me. I have done so many things wrong. But I met our son and he's beautiful. I-I love you, Raine. You're beautiful. Wait for me."  
  
Kiros was silent as he bandaged my other arm. "They're gonna know." He said finally. "They're gonna see these big marks up your arm, and they're gonna know."  
  
"I'll wear long sleeved shirts." I said.  
  
"It's summer," Kiros began. "And besides, they'd still know. It goes from your bloody wrist to your elbow! Squall wakes you up in the morning and," Kiros made a face. "You don't wear shirts to bed."  
  
I shrugged. "If they find out, they find out. I'll do what I want, and if they ask you anything just tell them to back off and leave me alone about it, or I'll do it myself." My eyes flicked over to the machine gun on the wall. "Dismissed." I said. Kiros nodded, but left.  
  
*  
  
Raine, I'm sorry.  
  
I'm a friend,  
  
I'm a father,  
  
I'm a husband.  
  
Experience comes with time.  
  
Not this time.  
  
Wait for me, my angel,  
  
My beauty,  
  
My precious,  
  
My Raine.  
  
Wait for me.  
  
I'll be joining you soon.  
  
I put the pen down, folded the letter and put it in my pocket. I'd put it down before I did it. Before I. . . I opened the letter again and scrawled some last words on it:  
  
Please don't say you've forgotten me,  
  
Because I haven't forgotten you.  
  
Author's Note: Heehee, leave you hanging! I wasn't sure how to end this, but a letter to Raine seemed appropriate. If you're wondering about the 'R' rating (someone e-mailed me about that) it's because it'll be there in some part of the story. Memories, y'know. 


	3. Past Hauntings

The world was crashing around my ears before I knew it. Just like Kiros said, Squall found out. He came into my bedroom around breakfast. I was still in bed, trying to shake off a life-like dream.  
  
"Laguna?" He asked. "Breakfast."  
  
I nodded. "Okay. I'll be right down."  
  
"No," He said. Squall locked his eyes onto mine in a cold stare. "Selphie is worried for 'Sir Laguna' and wants him to be on time. Now get up, you oaf."  
  
"I am not an oaf. Trust me, I'll be right down." I returned the stare. "Just don't start the breakfast then."  
  
"Nope, you're coming with me." Squall threw back the covers and walked to my window with three longs strides. Throwing open the curtains, I was exposed, shirtless, for him to see. He walked back to me and took my hand and pulled me up. Suddenly, he stopped. "What happened to your arms?" He asked.  
  
"War injury," I tried. "Just an old war injury."  
  
"Yeah right, nothing could've made a cut this clean. Are you," He stopped, analyzing me. He took a deep breath. "Are you slicing your own arms?" The worry he had made it worse. I was supposed to be the father, not him.  
  
"So what if I am?" I cringed inside at how childish I sounded. "It's none of your business."  
  
"Yeah it is." He said. "If you die, I'll be an orphan."  
  
I howled at that. I don't know why, but I couldn't stop laughing. Partly because I never thought I'd hear him talk in full sentence, partly because he actually cared. Mr. High-and-Mighty-Angst-Person actually cared. Being an orphan would be good for his image. But still, I got dressed. We went down to the breakfast hall and for some strange reason Selphie was clapping. Zell was having trouble eating while bouncing, Quistis was moping, Irvine was eating with his feet up on Selphie's chair and Rinoa was picking at her food daintily. Squall sat down and began to eat. Kiros and Ward weren't in sight. I sat down and began eating too.  
  
Suddenly, I heard whispering. Squall whispered something to Rinoa, Rinoa looked shocked then whispered something to Zell, who stopped bouncing and whispered it to Quistis, who looked happy and then whispered it to Irvine.  
  
"Oooo!!! Telephone! I get it!" Selphie put her head to Irvine's and he whispered it to her. Her face fell and she looked sadly up at me. "No," She whispered. Great, now they all knew I slashed my wrists.  
  
"Whispering at the table?" I chided. "Not very polite. What did you say? Or were you really playing telephone and the answer was something offending? Or was it just 'no'?"  
  
Everyone seemed to skirt. Squall just looked up the table to me. "I told them what I saw."  
  
I cursed loudly and fled the room. No one followed, except Selphie. She was crying. I didn't care. I ran into my room, threw myself onto my bed and began falling. Falling through the blissful silence that can only mean darkness.  
  
"Laguna? Don't fall asleep, now!" Her eyes, her voice, her mouth, her hair. . . Raine! But I was dreaming, I could tell. It wasn't fleeting though. It felt like she was actually here! But where was here? The answer came swiftly. Winhill, in our room.  
  
"Sure thing, sunshine!" I said. If I could relive this moment, may as well do it good. "I can't tell you how much I love you. I'll be with you soon."  
  
"What?" Raine asked, confused. "Hmm." She locked her mouth onto mine and I did likewise. For a dream, this sure was real. I pushed my tongue into her mouth and she tilted her head upward. I felt unconditional love from her, and I gave it back.  
  
"Laguna?" She asked. I nodded to show I heard. "Come here." I went to the bed. The clock next to it read 12: 42 p.m. "Lie down." I smiled but didn't lie down. This dream wouldn't matter, but I should do things the way I should have. Get her pregnant, but when the soldiers come, be ready to hide Elle.  
  
I smiled and pushed her onto the bed. She smiled and let herself be pushed. Slipping her sweater over her head, I noted she was wearing the same things I'd propose to her in. That would be. . . in a week. The jeans about her waist were a tease, but somehow I managed to get them undone and over her hips. Bra and panties and beautiful Raine. I searched for the clasp at the back of her bra and toyed with it while I kissed her. Finally, it came undone. It slipped over her shoulders and down onto the floor. She began to undo my shirt, running her hands over my chest and back; her eyes seemed to drink me up. I hastily threw off my pants and my socks, leaving the shirt for her to explore. My hand slid under her underwear catching it and pulling it away. She stared up at me, this beautiful pixie and I loved it. She was too beautiful.  
  
"How did I end up with you?" I asked. "I don't deserve you, you're too wonderful."  
  
"I chose you." She said, pulling my boxers off. She seemed bored with my shirt so she slipped that off as well. "Now, how many times to I have to tell you that I love you to make you trust me? I don't bite. Hard, at least."  
  
She reached between my legs and grasped my organ. It went off like a rocket. I didn't want her to have it over so quick though, so I gently opened her legs and slipped a finger inside of her opening. I had to prepare her, cause I don't mean to brag, but I am kinda big. I took my time, letting her moan and writhe as I slid in another finger. In and out, in and out.  
  
"God, Laguna. This is killing me!" She moaned loudly. "Do it!"  
  
Smiling I removed my fingers and carefully spread her juices around her entrance. "You ready?" I asked. She nodded. I pushed into her slowly, waiting to see if she'd cringe in pain. She didn't, or if she did, she hid it well. I began to thrust slowly as we learned to move together again. She moaned and grabbed up at my shoulders, slamming her hips into mine in a desperate attempt to make me go faster, which I did. I hammered at her and she moaned and moved and screamed in pleasure. Suddenly, she began moving differently and her breath became labored. Her fingernails scratched the sheets and she began moaning louder and louder.  
  
"Oh shit, Laguna." She gasped. "Oh shit, oh fuck." She moaned so loud it was almost a scream. "C'mon!" She was teetering on the edge of orgasm; I wasn't letting her go there. Hang here on this thread of pleasure until I cut it. Suddenly, I did cut it. We both had our orgasm at the same time, Raine screamed out her pleasure while I exploded Squall into her.  
  
"I love you," I whispered as I fell into bed next to her. "I really do."  
  
"I believe you, now come here." She said. She wrapped her arms around me, and I buried my face in her hair. Sweat and shampoo, but it smelled good. She ran her hands over my back and it was strangely lulling. I let myself kiss her goodnight and sleep. Let myself be happy just this one moment.  
  
When I awoke, my head was groggy and I didn't know where I was. I had slept soundly, that was for sure. I sat up and looked around. I was warm; there had been no silence last night. Maybe I had actually been there. Well, I didn't mind if that dream came very night!  
  
"We let you sleep in." Said a voice. "We thought you needed it." Squall was next to me, his eyes clouded. "What were you dreaming about?"  
  
"What?" I asked.  
  
"You were dreaming, right? You were talking in your sleep."  
  
"What did I say?"  
  
"Raine, and how much you loved her and stuff. You kept smiling. I'm glad you slept peacefully for once."  
  
"Yeah," I sighed. "Peace." Suddenly I felt the urge to cry, and Squall wasn't leaving. Not only that, but to cry in front of Squall would be humiliating. "You've proven a point." I said to keep myself from wailing. "I really do need Raine."  
  
"Whatever." Squall mumbled. "What point?"  
  
"Never mind, Squall." I wanted him to go away so I could cry in peace. Not only did he not leave, he moved closer.  
  
"What point?" He demanded.  
  
That did it. I flung myself into the pillow, sobbing and wailing. I poured out every ounce of misery and pain into that pillow. When I began heaving dry sobs and the pillow was drenched, I heard Squall.  
  
"Whoa there," He paused, seeming unsure of how to continue. "Take it easy."  
  
"Sure thing, Commander." I spat. "Go away now. And if you see Kiros, tell him to come see me." He nodded and left. I heaved myself into my tear- drenched pillow once more to cry out whatever was left.  
  
"Squall said you wanted me." Came Kiros' voice.  
  
"Yeah. I need help."  
  
"I'll say!"  
  
"Shut-up. I just had a dream. It was Raine and me at one of our happiest moments. I was just wondering why you've been ignoring me lately and have you seen Elle?" I asked.  
  
"Well, I haven't been ignoring you, I've been giving you space. Elle has secluded herself in her room because of you, why do you ask?" Kiros said. His voice was slightly bitter. In the years, Kiros had grown fond of Ellone.  
  
"Could you tell her to come here? I need something of her."  
  
"No."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Look, Laguna." Kiros said. "She has been absolutely devastated that you would even CONSIDER suicide. She's been crying and berating herself over and over. Don't you understand? You're making her miserable."  
  
"Is she now?" I asked.  
  
"No."  
  
"Then get her, Kiros. Please? I need to see her. And besides, how am I to comfort her that I'm not suicidal if you won't let me talk to her?" I needed to say something to get Kiros to get her; I wasn't in any state to do it myself.  
  
"No."  
  
"Kiros!"  
  
"No."  
  
"Fine. I'll do it myself."  
  
"You're in no state to be up and about, Laguna. Lie down."  
  
"Then get Elle."  
  
"No."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"You don't NEED to see her, Laguna. It's not a necessity right now, so calm down and rest."  
  
"I do need to see her," I whispered.  
  
Kiros was silent. Then, "No," But it had uncertainty to it, as if he was telling himself not to, rather than him telling me he couldn't.  
  
"Please?" I asked. I was ready to cry again, the tears were already pooling at the corners of my eyes.  
  
"Let me see him for a moment, Kiros." Said a small girlish voice. Ellone entered the room, her short-cropped brown hair was fluttering about her cheeks in a strange way. She had an aura about her, a sorceress.  
  
Kiros nodded and left.  
  
"Elle, I need to ask you something. Can you change the past?" I asked.  
  
"Not really," She said. She sounded unsure.  
  
"Not really? That means that you kind of can, right?"  
  
"Sort of,"  
  
"Could you. . . could I go back and save Raine?"  
  
"It's dangerous." She said. "So no."  
  
"But,"  
  
"Don't press me, Uncle Laguna. I won't change the past."  
  
"But you can." I pressed.  
  
"Yes, but. . . oh! Go to sleep Laguna!"  
  
"I'm sorry Laguna." Elle muttered. "I'll oblige, but you must sleep!"  
  
Laguna lay on his back in his bed. Sleep teetered near and as soon as he fell over it, Elle smiled.  
  
"Now, change. Don't make the same mistakes. This isn't a dream, Laguna. You are reliving events the way you should have. Whatever you do, don't succumb to the silence." Elle said. The air in her room was stuffy from being under her spell, but it was pleasantly warm.  
  
The air rang in dead silence as Ellone realized what would happen, should she choose to go through with her spell. 


End file.
